Feeling better

I didn’t want to leave the last post without any follow-up. I wasn’t really 100% in the right frame of mind, and was worried I was on the brink of another big mental health relapse. I can’t say for sure that this storm has completely passed, but in the last few days I have a sense of normalcy again at least.

I told my sister immediately when she came home what I’d done, and she was so good about it, making sure the wounds weren’t too severe, which they weren’t, and that I was o.k. She reads this blog, and it’s good for her to get the insight of what I can write down but can’t bring myself to say aloud face-to-face. 

A few days after she asked me to come meet her after work and we would go for coffee, nothing too dramatic. I’m ecstatic to say that I did make it, although physically I was struggling. It was only my fourth even vaguely social event of the year (twice volunteering an afternoon in my charity shops, my niece’s sixth birthday dinner), and when I got up that day, I knew I was struggling physically, but I also knew that there was the mental block there, and I knew getting out would be good for my mental state. I barely made it up to the bus stop even with the walking sticks, but I was glad just to get the fresh air! I’m getting cabin fever seeing this bedroom all day every day!

We met at her work so she could show me some coats she was thinking of buying, to get my opinion. Then we went to her work’s café for some lunch and coffee. I did spend much of it telling her, a classics graduate!, about the details of the second Persian invasion of Greece, but she and I often talk about detailed subjects, haha. She left me there while she went to the gym for an hour, so I could work on my novel; it has been such a long time since I just sat alone in a café, earphones plugged in, writing. I did it all the time while I lived in Glasgow for uni, but it’s rarer these days, as I mainly leave the house to do something in particular.

In honor of World Book Day, we also popped to the library – and as always, I maxed out! I was thankful to be on the last library book I had, but now of course I have many more to get through (I should stay away from the library, as I’m overflowing with physical copies of books at home that I need to read and get rid of!). The librarian knows me well enough by now, and kindly overrode the maximum so I could also pick up the books I’d reserved.

Nothing too much has changed, but I have been glad just to get out again. I haven’t explicitly harmed again in the meantime, and today I started on my translations again. My sister has also acknowledged sometimes she’s been unfair with me – but she’s mostly been absolutely amazing and I don’t know what I’d do without her. In her “unfairness” it’s mostly been things like acting disappointed if I can’t help with the food or something, or come out, and she doesn’t explicitly say crappy things to me about it! Anyway, we’re so close, that usually I can say to her if she’s having unrealistic expectations of me! 🙂 Right now she’s making our dinner, and she saw my face because I felt guilty not being able to help, and said it was absolutely fine, because she realizes she’s been a bit unfair recently.

This is her two weeks off from work, and we wanted to completely tidy the room, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to be much help any time soon. But hopefully Mum will agree to help and I will be able to sit on the bed and organize things, as we’re spring cleaning.

Unfortunately, we had planned a trip on these weeks off, maybe just a few days down somewhere in England, and I feel bad that we’ve had to cancel, but my sister is being amazing about it, even though of course she’s disappointed and for a while felt I was just being obstructive. We’re planning just a few outings here in our city this time, maybe a cinema trip, and a meal at a restaurant she’s wanted to take to me for ages. And when it gets further into the summer weather and she can get another two weeks off, we will plan the trip to York, Bath, Oxford, London, we can’t really decide exactly where! By the time I had mentally prepared and decided I wanted to go somewhere and get away from familiarity for a while, the lupus flared up and I knew there wasn’t much point going if I had to really struggle just walking. We’re thinking of buying a lightweight travel wheelchair though, which should help a lot, and I’d be more eager. 🙂

I’m feeling optimistic just now, but cautiously. I always told my therapist I am a “realistic optimist”; I hope for the best but prepare for the worst! I’m just taking things a day at a time just now, and hoping that the meeting with my ESA work adviser this month gets me going a bit more with career plans, but I’ll take it slow. I’m still considering going back to psychotherapy, but maybe to see someone else; my therapist Caroline was absolutely lovely, but I don’t know what else we can go over, and think maybe a second pair of ears might help.

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